Filth

Most puzzled by this comment on bbc.co.uk about Channel Five: "Plans to invest £1.5bn in the channel for programming over the next five years were also confirmed." Wow! That's the UK's fifth terrestrial television channel? The one recently acquired (subject to Ofcom approval) by Richard Desmond? One-point-five billion pounds?

Sounds pretty amazing. That much cash could produce an awful lot of quality drama. Or educational documentaries. Or top drawer news output. Or it could buy in the very latest and best of US programming. But this is Richard Desmond, the owner of Northern and Shell; the publisher of OK! Magazine, The Daily Express and The Daily Star? That much money sounds just a little unlikely given the editorial values at Express Group Newspapers. This is a publisher that doesn't believe in journalists, cribs most of its stories from the internet, makes the rest up, and the main purpose of whose newspapers is to plug OK! and sell premium rate phone competitions to premium rate stupid people?

Well I never. Perhaps I'm being unfair on Des (Dirty Des to his friends). £1.5bn! Let's have a closer look at what sort of programming we might expect. This is easier than you might think. After all, Des already broadcasts numerous satellite/cable channels, so he's not new to the game. let's have a look at the sort of programmes his other channels produce. Rim Junkies. Hmm. A programme about golfers who actually enjoy missing puts? Strange. What's this? Man Bitch. Er, a nature documentary about a lesser known bread of asexual canines? More and more puzzling. But what are the television channels called? Dirty Talk.... Red Hot Fetish....

Now it makes sense. You see Desmond is a pornographer. Nothing wrong with that in my mind, but is it really appropriate that one of the UK's five terrestrial television stations is owned and run by a man who made his millions publishing porn magazines such as Asian Babes? Maybe? OK, what about a man whose businesses have: -

- been reprimanded by the television regulator on numerous occasions for broadcasting R18-rated material which can only legally be sold in sex shops;
- had numerous complaints upheld by the Advertising Standards Authority regarding dubious reader offers in its publications;
- been censured by the Press Complaints Commission for failing to provide adequate apologies for arroneous or inappropriate stories on six occasions;
- made numerous libel settlements for false stories, including "more than 100 articles (about Madeleine McCann's parents) which were seriously defamatory to the couple"; and
- received a criminal prosecution for printing a misleading cover line on OK!?

The man who has in the past associated with the New York mafia; the man who has paid compensation to a ex-employer for physically assaulting him; the man who has just paid off a female member of staff to avoid an accusation of sexual harrassment?

Ofcom has the power to overrule the acquisition, but it seems highly likely that they will wave it through, deeming Desmond a "fit and proper person". Sigh!

£1.5bn! Amazing. Another rquote from the story: "The £20m cost-cutting drive is past of an 'ambitious new investment plan that will see the channel go toe-to-toe with the biggest players in the TV world,' a statement from the channel added." (emphasis mine). This is the true story. Desmond will come in and slash costs wherever possible. To the maximum extent permissable by the regultor, programming will consist of plugs for Desmond's other business (see The Daily Express for a sample), cut-price celebrity nonsense (you ain't seen nothing yet), 'tasteful' soft pornography and late night t&a. The "£1.5bn" investment story is, how does one say.... 'bollocks'.

In case you were wondering, "Filth" is the title of another one of Desmond's existing television channels, but seems an appropriate heading for slightly different reasons.